You can thank my psychologist for this post. The afternoon she had me share my thoughts on his community. There are many people who I have nothing but praise for. But there are others in our community that I'm extremely disappointed in. The problem is that group soils both my impression of this community and society in general.
See, the thing is I was raised with Superman and Captain Kirk. I was raised with the ideal of equality, IDIC, and that being a good honorable person were important.
When I came into horror I came in with the idea that I was coming to a community of peers that would meet me with open arms and would support me as I took all the pain I had, thanks to my peers outside our community, and turn it into something artistic and something that in the end would help people with their own darkness inside. That is what the heart of the horror genre is, not money or fame.
But I soon found that I kept being his with people blocking me, people harassing me, and people criticizing me because I would point out the crap happening rather than sitting down and shutting up and most importantly being a good little bigger with a bowl and bow down to their greatness. Fuck that! Who are they? Their crap still stinks just like their arrogant egotism.
And yes I've been called arrogant as well. Nope. I know who I am I fight with my demons and weaknesses. I'm not perfect and I'm not great and a superstar. BUT, I'm NOT an ant and just you fucking try to stomp on me motherfucker. Don't fuck with the lion or wolf or the dragon because we don't lose. You can beat us till your arm break from stress but we , meaning I, won't bow. And in going out of your way to try and destroy me but that will do it put the spotlight on you and show your true face.
Now my young self, meaning younger than 12, would have bowed and blamed himself for your mistreatment. That was before Father of one of my best friends, Mike Winters, saw me and informed me that Mike was dead. He'd committed suicide because two assholes bullies tortured him to the point he gave up on life. When I heard this it scared me because I could see myself doing the same. It haunted me to the point that my mother pushed me into going to a psychologist, even though my father who quietly suffered PTSD opposed it.
I ended up going to see Doctor Becking for three years and he helped me see my situation wasn't my fault it was my peers for THEIR actions. Doctor Becking opened my eyes about cliques , peer pressure, and the reason the the abuse of bullying.
He showed me that the traits I admired were incredibly rare and that most people on average are self serving and would rather bow to popular opinion and status quo. These things don't inspire open hands nor support others. It is not being God's masterpiece, but the result of Lucifer's sabotage.
After my time I put the blame firmly in its place.
Then years later I met my true mentors who helped me fight my demons that my wonderful peers cursed me with and turn that darkness into art and a way to help my follow victims exorcise their demons with my words and art.
Of course that group of peers try to deny me the ability to promote, do conventions, interviews, and receive accolades (awards). Yet, on occasions friends will fight to help me get into conventions, lower tier podcasts will have me on as a treat to their fans, once in a blue moon websites and magazine will bless me with an article (Hey, it helps the false image to drop the scum a crum). And, of course, they have remind me they are doing a good job by rubbing in my face my new books get next to no reviews except from their minions who "put me in my place" with bullshit and outright lies. But most importantly on rare occasions when I feel my strength failing me a fan will write me and email and tell me how much my books meant to them in their youth or how one of my newer books took the weight of the darkness cursed on them by their peers away. Or, how my writings inspired them to become writers.Those emails mean far more than any amount of money or any cheap statue that tries to present itself as proof of greatness, but is nothing but a meaningless stroke to the egos of "popular people" and not based on the quality of the work or what it really means. This is the sad truth of all genres these days. Real stories are ignored over social political garbage or down right porn with a genre covering to push "THE MESSAGE". I swear Harlan is turning in his grave.
Anyway, that is what came out of my session today and I feel better. Essay over...And remember I'm watching you...